51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do
by twilightnite
Summary: Based on the indifferent child of earth's one-shot/list. The story behind the list. Think you know everything about Emmett? Think again. Any brain combustion, confusion, or gut busting can't be held against us. Read at your own risk. Enjoy! No.4-5 up now.
1. Numero Un, Deux, Trois

_**A big thank you to **_the indifferent child of earth _**for letting me put your "**_51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do_**" into story form.**_

_**I'll do my best not to screw it up **_**too**_** much.**_

_**Thanks again!**_

_**-----------**_

**If you haven't noticed by now,** the indifferent child of earth **has _graciously _allowed me to put their one-shot "**51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do**" into story form. None of these 'numbers' are by me, and all belong to 'em.**

**So….let's start with No. 1, 2, and 3 shall we?**

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_1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay..._

_2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper..._

_3. ...or Carlisle_

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(Mike)

"Newton!"

_Just keep walking. Don't turn around, don't think about talking to him. Just keep walking._

"Newton! Come here!"

_God no. Just walk. Look, there's Connor. Go talk to him. No wait! Connor don't walk away! Save me!_

"Newton! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

_No where to run, no where to go. Might as well-_

"Geez Newton! I'm not goin' to hurt ya!"

"So what do you want?" Teeth gnashed against each other, cold tremors ran down my spine as a rock solid hand descended upon my shoulder. He snickered as I turned, the heel of my shoe squeaking in protest against linoleum. My eyes widened as I watched his face break out into an evil grin in horror. "Please, don't hurt me. Take my lunch money, throw my books on the floor. Do whatever you want," My hands dove downward as I moved to protect myself. "Just please don't hurt me."

He blinked.

"You think……You think I'm going to hurt you? Sheesh Newton you _are_ a pansy." I gaped like a fish at him, trying to form a coherent sentence. The guy insulted me, in front of two people who were now running away. "But," he waved his hand "I'm not." His evil grin came back.

"You're…..not?"

"That's what I said wasn't it?"

"Well, yeah but." He grin grew. And that kids, is why everyone quickly turns around and walks away when Emmett Cullen stalks to halls. "There's something you should know."

"Oh?" Most of my terror subsided, and I could only look up at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, yeah." His grin became toothy, very toothy. Very _my-teeth-are-so-white-I-hope-they-blind-you-right-here-and-now _toothy.

A few minutes of silence passed and he started to chuckle.

"Can I go now?" I questioned, slowly inching away toward the nearest door.

He frowned at me, shaking his head. "No, not yet. There's something you need to know, and it's best you hear it from me." He waved his hand, trying to beckon me over.

"Nah, you can tell me later, I uh, I have to go." I tried to smile at him, quickly turning to run to the door. I was nearly there; I had the handle in my hand and everything when he opened his mouth to speak again.

"You do know why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella don't you?"

Now _that_ got my attention. The mention about Bella I mean.

I gave him another quizzical look, slowly letting go of the handle and walking toward him. "Noo…"

He threw his hands up in the air. "You're kidding me right?"

"Noo…"

"So you don't know?"

"Noo…" He shrugged.

"Well the reason he's never dated is because……" He swiveled around, smiling as he looked for any other students who were innocent enough to walk by.

"Because……" Emmett smiled, his eyes narrowing.

"Is because…. Edward's gay." The silence grew as Emmett's words finally sunk in.

"Well, that _would_ explain a lot…"

"Wouldn't it though?" He shrugged, trying to hide his smile. Obviously bored with the conversation he was attempting to have with me; he raised his arm, as if checking an invisible watch. "Well it's been fun, but I have other things to do, people to see, stuff to be blamed for…You know, the works."

The works?

He started to walk away, but stopped to call over his shoulder,

"And did you know that he has a crush on Carlisle _and_ Jasper? Talk about an uncomfortable situation!"

Still really confused –and bewildered, but mostly confused- I stared at him, watching him turn and jog down the hall and out the door to the parking lot toward Edward's car.

"…Stuff…to be…blamed…for?" I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant when I finally realized that I was already ten minutes late for bio.

"Glad to see you decided to join us Mr. Newton," Banner barked from the board as I pushed through the door. Emmett's words began to repeat themselves over in my head as I sat down in my chair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward glare at me, frowning as Mr. Banner began talking about mitosis of cells.

"And so when there's one cell-" _Edward's …gay?_ "And then there's also-" _Edward's _gay"After which the new cell begins to-" _Edward's gay!_ _Duh!_ "Of course now there is-" _Edward Cullen is gay! _"Now that the process if over-" _Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella because he's gay!_

I must have said this last bit out loud, because before I knew it the rest of the class had turned to stare at me, and Edward continued to glare a few holes into my head, as if he was trying to read my mind or something. The girls shot sorrowful looks at the happy but now annoyed couple.

"Would you care to repeat that Mike?" Mr. Banner asked, turning away from his crappy rendition's of multiple cells.

"I, uh well, I said…I mean," I cleared my throat uncomfortable. _Hey, why not tell the world that their idol is a fruitcake? _

"We're waiting."

"I said that, um…I thought that the one cell was, uh…No I said that, um…" I sifted in my chair, feeling some cold sweat trickle down the back of my neck. "My uncle…_Elvis_ never had a girlfriend before….um, _Bianca_ was because he was…..gay?" I said, shrugging.

"That's nice; now keep your comments about your uncle's sexuality to yourself, if you don't mind." Mr. Banner said, picking up a piece of chalk to draw some more cells on the board. "While we're on the subject, let's go over the traits and genes that make up the Y and X chromosomes…" The rest of the class was drowned out as my conversation with Emmett replayed over in my head again.

By the end of bio I was out the door faster than I'd come through it, ready to go to gym and bash the heck out of a tennis ball when a cold hand landed on my shoulder.

"So…how'd it go?" Emmett hissed into my ear, smirking at all the other students walking by, giving me pity glances.

"How did…um, what go?" I gulped, watching Edward walk out of Mr. Banner's room with a confused Bella trailing along beside him. As Edward passed by a small clump of kids, they broke out into fits of giggles, whispering at him. He came to a halt, his eyes narrowing into slits at me.

Emmett removed his hand.

Edward clenched his hands into fists.

Emmett took a step back.

"Emmett," Edward hissed, now glaring at both me and his brother. He took a few steps toward us, Bella still hanging by his side. Instead of charging toward his brother like he was going to, he changed course so he was stalking right toward me.

"Oh sh-" I started to say, but was cut off by Emmett's outburst of laughter. Edward's eyes never left mine. I gulped, finally coming to a resolution.

_Edward Cullen was a gay man, and I was a dead man._

Well, I was going to be dead soon anyways.

As he soon towered over me, I was only able to squeak,

"Have mercy."

**

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**

**I**** admit, not the best, and of course now I just realized that I didn't get too indepth about the whole 'crushes on Carlisle and Jasper' thing. Oops. _But_ it's just the beginning. Oi vey. Another thanks to **the indifferent child of earth **for letting me post this. Hope you enjoy this story.**

**And that goes for the rest of you too. More story behind the list "**51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do**" will come soon, so just be sure to look for it.**

**Based on** "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do"

by the indifferent child of earth


	2. Número Cuatro, Cinco

**Oooh, I'm updating, later than I wanted to. Later than I should have actually. Ah well, at least I am now……..Right?**

**Sorry I haven't updated. I wrote this chapter on a whim, and I have actually have a 'life'. (Well, sorta, but who knew?)**

**Hope you enjoy this anyways. Aannndd...This actually turned out longer than I thought it would be. (Originally it was just Number 4 from the list, but I decided it would be asier to include Number 5 as well.)  
I hope you like Alice and Emmett's insult/fight/yell scene, that was my favorite part to write.**

**They are mostly in-character...right?**

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_4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color_

_5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china_

* * *

(Alice)

Smiling, I twirled in front of the mirror again, admiring my new pink sweater set. A birthday present from Jasper.

"Hmm…" I glanced at the top of the dresser, debating on whether or not to paint my nails pink as well. _Aw heck, why not?_

I smirked at my now sparkling nails, enjoying the way there were also pink flecks of glitter in the magenta tinted polish. My brow furrowed as I tried to remember something.

I knew I was forgetting something, but what? My pink ensemble was almost complete –pink sweater, nails, and a nice light shade of eye liner- but I couldn't help but feel as if something was out of place.

Was it my hair? I looked up at the mirror, and stared at my shortly cropped black hair. Last time I'd gotten those temporary pink highlights Jasper looked as if he could vomit. I frowned.

_Yes Jasper, look at me like you're about to puke. That will definitely boost my self-esteem. As if being short wasn't enough._

I flopped backward onto my bed in exasperation, letting out a heavy sigh. What was I bloody forgetting? I looked down towards my closet, as if those doors would have all my answers.

Was it pants? I had no pink pants really, and I didn't feel the dire need to go out and buy an outdated pair of hot pink leather pants circa 1970. No thank you.

There was a loud thud accompanied by a sudden and abrupt yell from downstairs. I shot up and bolted out of my bedroom, hurrying down the stairs.

_Esme's not going to like this. Not at all. _I couldn't help but let out a small shriek at the scene before me. Emmett looked up me like a deer in the highlights.

"I-I can explain!" He yelled at me after a few moments.

"Emmett!" I screeched. "Honestly! You think you can give me a logical reason as to _why_ exactly you were attempting to juggle with Esme's fine china?!" He huffed indignantly at me. Shards of some of Esme's most prized possessions lay on the floor at his feet. The eye of some strange woodland animal glared ominously out at me. I shivered at the sight of it.

"You try spending three days couped up in an empty house with absolutely nothing to do! You can't eat, sleep, or do anything worthwhile for the rest of eternity! Do you know how that feels?"

I opened my mouth to retort, but he cut me off after realizing what he had just said.

"Don't answer that."

"I wasn't going to." I shook my head. "Look, you clean up the remainders of your tom-foolery and I'll see what I can do about replacing them." I was about to walk away when Emmett nodded, bending over to pick up a few pieces before he smiled wide and stood upright. He turned and reached into Esme's cabinet of china and withdrew a few of her favorite pieces.

"Watch this." He said, holding up a large plate in his equally large hand.

"Emmett! No! What are you doing?" I hissed. He merely shrugged.

"Just be quite for a minute and watch." With another huge smirk he threw a plate in the air, making me gasp. _Catch it Emmett. You have to catch it. _I remained immobile, unable to move as he threw another piece of our mother's collection into the air. A few more plates and teacups were airborne before he reached out to grab one.

His eyes grew wide as he reached for one of the most expensive teacups sailed just past his fingertips. I lunged for it, not wanting Esme to reprimand me when she found her china cabinet blown to Kingdom Come.

I just barely grabbed the teacup, letting out a sigh of relief. One of the plates Emmett missed collided with the back of my head.

"Ow! Emmett!"

"I'm sorry! I'm working on it! You try grabbing plates out of the air!" I rolled onto my side just in time to grab a falling bowl.

"Whatever possessed you to attempt to juggle Esme's china? Keyword being _attempt_!"

"You already asked me that! Besides, if you _must_ know, I got the idea off of the TV! Stephen Colbert is actually an intelligent man need I remind you!"

"Yes Emmett, because Stephen Colbert spends all day sitting in his dressing room juggling antique plates! That's definitely a good reason." I retorted, reaching out for a saucer that was whizzing through the air.

"Am I not allowed to have fun then? At least I don't spend all my time trying to figure which socks to wear with my outfit!" He hollered, picking up shards of dropped china.

"Well I least I actually dress decently! I for one remember not to put my shirt on inside out and backwards!" I huffed; gently placing saved china on the table. Emmett narrowed his eyes and glared at me.

"I did that one time, and besides, I was in a hurry! Is that really supposed to be an insult?" He stood now, setting the shards on the table next to me and glared down at me.

"You tell me!" I screamed, slamming my fist on the hand carved piece of wood. (I would later regret that action, Esme would hide my credit cards for nearly two months as a result of nearly breaking her grandmother's table in two.)

"Sorry? What was that?" He barked, cupping one hand behind his ear as he bent over a bit. "I'm having trouble hearing things from all the way down there!" I screamed in rage at this, stomping on his foot as hard as I possibly could.

"I hate you so much right now you pig-headed, immature, vile, cruel, selfish, idiotic, maddening, dim-witted, jerk!" He folded his arms over his broad chest, trying to look menacing —any human would have keeled over in shock at his action.

"Stop be so down on yourself Alice, it won't help you any." Emmett hissed back at me, looking as if he could strangle me at the moment. "And hate is such a strong word."

"Fine then!" I hollered. "I just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, _really_ don't like you!" I turn on my heel, stomping out of the room toward the stairway leading to the second floor. Emmett cleared his throat once loudly, and then proceeded to shout after me,

"You know, pink really isn't your color."

_Oh, he was dead now._

(Esme)

"As you sure you've gotten everything you need Bella? I could always make a second trip if you needed me to. I wouldn't mind." I said for the second time as I walked my future daughter in-law to the front door, our arms filled with shopping bags. Bella shook her head, and I could sense that it was taking all of her current will power not to lash out at me.

"No, I'm sure. It's just Renée and Phil's third anniversary is all. She was never really known for throwing huge, extravagant parties..." She paused, biting the inside of her cheek before she looked back to see how Edward was progressing with pulling another large box from the trunk. My husband stood next to him, offering a few otherwise helpful tips to my son.

"No Edward, you're going to want to get a good grip on the box, and _then_ pull." Carlisle said, making a few gestures with his hands. Edward grunted, trying again to pry the box free from the car trunk.

Bella tried not to laugh, and I felt myself smile.

"Gentle, gentle! You don't want to break it!" Carlisle yelled.

"Well then why don't you do it? Because apparently I'm going about it the wrong way! It's a box for god's sake, and I don't need you telling me how to get it un-stuck!" Edward hollered back at my husband, who merely shook his head and came to join us.

"Honestly, they're acting like an old married couple!" I whispered to Bella, making her giggle.

"Yes, but he will be my husband eventually." She smiled wider. "Do think I should practice with him to get ready?" My brow furrowed, and she blushed. "No! I didn't mean- I just meant, you know… If we should practice our bickering, just so it sounds more…natural later?"

I frowned. "I assure you I have no idea what you're trying to say."

"Neither do I actually…" She muttered under her breath, making her way up the front porch steps. Carlisle darted by to open the main front door for us. I smiled at him, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. I heard a loud scream followed by a collision that sounded remarkably like boulders. I gave Bella a wide eyed look and rushed into the foyer, followed closely by Bella, Edward, and my husband.

I felt as if I could very well faint.

My poor china cabinet looked as if it had been bombarded by a tornado, bits and pieces of china lay amidst the carpet and my grandmother's table- I gasped. My grandmother's table had an imprint of a small fist, a large crack went down the middle, suggesting that it would fall into pieces if someone so much as breathed upon it.

"My…M-my…My…" I couldn't form a coherent sentence as my eyes followed the rest of the carnage. _Another plate lying broken by the stairs. Half a tea cup sat on the floor by the archway leading to the living room._

The eye of a cat looked out at me sadly from its perch on one of my favorite plates. I blinked, hoping this was all a delusional fantasy.

"What in god's name is going on here?!" Carlisle thundered, carefully side stepping the shards of china as he followed the sounds of a fight into the living room. Edward, Bella, and I followed in close proximity.

Alice held her older brother Emmett in a headlock, and was currently bashing his head into the wall nearest her. She was screaming, and it took me a moment to understand what she was saying.

"_If I can't be pink, I might as well make you black and blue!"_

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**Hope you liked that. :-)  
And as an FYI to all of you, updates for this and other stories will probably come a bit sooner than they have been because summer break starts soon. (Only two more final exams to go!)**

**Until then, enjoy these two chapters.  
Next Chapter Features:**

_6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her_

**And/or/maybe:**

_7. Microwave Peeps..._

_8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book_

**Based off of** "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do"

By the indifferent child of earth


	3. Nummer Sechs, Sieben, Acht

**Oh, hi. Look, I'm not going to give any elaborate excuses as to why I haven't updated in 3 years, but all you really need to know is that stuff happened, life got in the way, and _Twilight_ started to get on my nerves. It still pretty much is.  
That, and the file that had everything pertaining to this story? It's gone. Every other _Twilight_ story I have, but this one has ceased to exist on my computer. Funny, strange...annoying. I had a better portion of this chapter written out quite some time ago, and now it doesn't exist.  
Well ain't that just a load of...sheee...it.**

**That also means that I no longer have the list on my computer, and**

_the indifferent child of earth_** has deleted it, so if for some strange reason you might have it, please send it to me. That way I can actually try to update.**

**I tried to make it funny. I'm rusty when it comes to coming back to this series.**

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_6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her_

_7. Microwave Peeps..._

_8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book_

* * *

(Bella)

"Is that some sick joke?" I had my back turned to him and folded my arms slowly, trying to simultaneously maintain my balance because losing my footing and plummeting to my death wasn't exactly high on the list of things that I wanted to do today. "Because I'm not laughing."

Although I might not have been able to see him, I can clearly hear Emmett heave a sigh somewhere behind me.

"I'm being completely serious here. My way of logic might just be one of the only ways to get what you want out of Edward."

I peered over the edge only slightly and then pulled back just as quickly, gapping as my vision of the ground quavered for a moment.

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Pressing a hand to my forehead I took a step back so at least if I were to fall the most I would walk away with would be a bruised butt and ego. My arms hung limply at my sides as I debated my current options. I could either turn around and command Emmett to get me off the roof (easier said than done) or follow through with his plan of action and hope like hell that I didn't die.

Then again, that brought up another question.

"How the hell did I even get up here?" I frowned, carefully turning around to glower at the older man with a quirked 'brow and bemused expression that he was trying to hide. He visibly tried to stifle his grin, and the twitch of his facial muscles was actually mildly amusing. Despite how humorous the varying look on his face was, however, I was a bit too busy focusing on the fact that I had no idea how I'd managed to get onto the roof of the Cullen household without being aware of it.

"I got you up here," Emmett replied, as if shocked that I'd even had to ask. A beat passed, and then he shrugged off-handedly. "It was pretty simple, really." There was a pause, and his head tilted to the side as if he was studying me.

"You can't weigh more than a baby mountain lion."

As much in jest as his comment may have been, I was still offended and gawked at him.

"Thanks, Emmett! I appreciate that!"

It was his turn to frown.

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it."

I spun away from him as quickly as I could—which, again, really wasn't that fast—and tried to scoff. It was a bit difficult when my downcast gaze was met with the mossy ground surrounding his not-so-humble humble abode.

"All right, great, fantastic." I had to physically remind myself to breathe as I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from the forest floor three stories below me. I swallowed a few times, trying to reflex and figure out why in hell I was even considering this. "Are you even sure this is going to work?"

Emmett bounded on over without a care in the world as I leaned forward cautiously, wishing that there had been some sort of railing that my hands could glue themselves to. The man stood beside me and followed my gaze, only he let his upper half hang precariously over the edge of the roof.

"Nope,"

I took a deep breath in and was met with the damp smell of earth and whatever it was that Emmett was supposed to smell like.

Had it not been for the fact that my hands presumably would have snapped in half, I would have tried strangling him right then.

We took turns glancing between one another and the ground for a few minutes, and if some observant third-party viewer wasn't concerned with my could not/should not/would not/what the hell do you think you're about to do antics beforehand, they really should have been now.

It really didn't help matters any that I had absolutely no clue as to how to get down. My only option was the reason I'd ended up on the roof in the first place.

"Yeah, no, this is stupid." I went to reach for Emmett before I realized that doing so would be an incredibly stupid idea and if I wanted to live I wouldn't touch him. "Get me down."

He closed his eyes and squared his jaw. I really did want to punch him.

"Woman, if you don't jump off the roof right now, I will push you."

I was curling my hand into a fist a reeling back in order to give him a good blow to the jaw no matter the damage I'd inflict to myself when his eyes suddenly widened and he pulled a face.

_"What the HELL do you think you're doing?"_

The abrupt shout threw me off just about as much as the startled sound that emitted from the back of Emmett's throat. I grabbed at a fistful of his shirt to keep my balance, and the glare I shot at him was soon met with the furious and bewildered eyes of Edward Cullen three stories below.

Obviously unsure of what to do with himself, he alternated between staring incredulous and glaring heatedly at his older brother.

He apparently didn't approve of Emmett's thoughts.

"How is that going to solve anything!" Edward was shouting, his arms thrown up in the air as I had to forcibly resist the urge to chuckle at his diminutive stature from where I stood.

"Well, I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time!"

Edward let out an enraged snarl. "When would that _ever_ seem like a good idea?"

I shifted uncomfortably as the two launched into a shouting match, wanting nothing more than to now get down and go on with my day. What Edward said next, however, was sure to get my attention and earned a glare aimed right as his pretty little butterscotch eyes.

"And Bella, I never thought you would have been foolish enough to go through with something like this! Honestly!" Although they may have been a result of his frustration, that did little to smooth over his words.

"Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyes at him, no matter how much I may have loved him. "_Excuse_ me?"

Edward cursed under his breath, and I could only tell from the subtle movement of his lips as he did so. Emmett snickered to himself at this, and I was surprised that I was able to shut him up as I leveled my glare with him as well before I aimed it back at my love.

"I'm standing on the roof with your brother, and your first assumption is that I'm going to go jump off it?"

The youngest Cullen shifted his weight from foot to foot for a moment, perturbed. "It looks like it, yes. But Bella—"

"No!" I yelled back, flinging my arms into the air and not overly sure what to do with myself at that moment. What was I supposed to do, anyway?

Luckily, Emmett chose then to come to Edward's rescue, if that's what it could be called.

"Figured it would finally convince you to go through with it," He muttered, though the younger was sure to catch it. "I mean, you're taking your sweet time as it stands now, and I don't think Bells if very thrilled with that."

He bluntly ignored my "Don't call me that" at the nickname and waited for his brother's response.

Edward let out a long, exasperated breath he hadn't needed to hold. "Venom can heal a lot of things, yes, but it can't fix everything." He opened his eyes and pulled his fingers away from where they'd been pinching the bridge of his nose.

I stared at him curiously and shifted my footing.

"Bella, if you're dead, I can't change you. Please understand that."

I was left to sneer still, and Emmett was leaning back and forth on the balls of his feet, having nothing better to do. Edward remained where he was standing, digging his heels into the ground and surely awaiting my next course of action.

"No, I get that. I just—"

The shingle beneath my foot-of course, why wouldn't it?-slid, and found myself yelping, clawing at Emmett's outstretched arms as I went backwards and headfirst over the side of the roof.

In retrospect, amid the cries of both of the Cullen boys, the look on Jasper's face as I stared at him through the window upside-down was worth it.

* * *

Had his heart still had the ability to beat, it presumably would have imploded in the man's chest when Bella's outstretched palms smacked against the window.

Jasper stared at her blankly until Emmett starting reeling her up by her ankle.

Shaking his head slowly, he disregarded the entire situation and returned his attention to the bookshelf he'd been aiming towards until his brother's girlfriend had chosen to pay a most unorthodox visit.

Prying what looked to be one of the oldest edition of _War and Peace_ in existence from its shelf the moody vampire let out a content sigh, seating himself comfortably in his chair and choosing to ignore the world around him for the next few hours.

Jasper frowned mightily when he found that it wouldn't open at first.

He was soon steaming and said three little words that most others would have paled at as soon as he came across the remnants of melted Peeps.

"What the fu-"

And he would have finish his question, had Bella not shouted.

"Emmett! My leg doesn't bend that way!"

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**If you're going to leave a review, please don't be too angry. There were only so many things in life I could control.  
Although I must say, the reviews saying **""screw you for not update," "when's the next update coming," **and** "UPDATE UPDATE etc." **were fairly amusing.  
If you want to look at it that way.**

**If any of you have that list, please, do share. I can't write more without it.**

**Based off of** "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do"

By the indifferent child of earth


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